I have been spending copious amount of hours trying to make a decision. My reflections sent me back to my journal and blog. I apologize this post will be extensive, but if you’d like to get a peek inside my brain then keep on reading! 😉 This post consists of two entries I made in my journal. One back in August and the other in April.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
I have been reading “Into Thin Air” by Jon Krakauer. Just last night, I read a passage that he quoted from Walt Unsworth,
“But there are men for whom the unattainable has a special attraction. Usually they are not experts: their ambitions and fantasies are strong enough to brush aside the doubts which most cautious men might have. Determination and faith are their strongest weapons…”
I don’t know why it took me quite some time to discern that this is who I am. As I reflect back on my experiences and interactions, I realize that the unattainable fascinates me. I tend to be content with being unvigilant when attempting to attain something that seems so wonderful because there are few who have had or lived it.
I discovered while trying to reach these unattainable goals, discouragement sporadically emerges for a brief moment. When this occurs I begin to question myself: Why am I trying to attain this aspiration? Is it really worth it? How much do I REALLY want it? Once I have it, will I still want it or will I move on? I may never know. Additionally, how long do I attempt to reach it? How much do I put myself through to reach the final goal…the goal I desire simply because, to most, it is unattainable?
Sunday, April 5, 2015
I recently reviewed to the passage I wrote back in August about desiring the unattainable and I began to reflect…
Everyone has their own aspirations in life. One of mine is to travel the world, but my aspirations do not cease there. I want to make a difference. I am not sure how I specifically want to make a difference, but I know I can do so by using my passion for teaching and learning.
Every day most of us are given a choice and each decision should be made based on how it will better our chances to accomplish our aspirations. I have come to that point in my life where I need to choose. I have reached the precipice of the mountain and now I need to decide if I should find a new path or take a leap off this precipice to the next highest mountain. Each decision has its risks and benefits, but determining which decision will assist me in making a difference or reaching my goals in this one life I have…is difficult.
I cannot live in fear. If I live a pusillanimous life then I will be unsuccessful. These last few weeks I had been living pusillanimously because of these decisions. I have had the fear that whichever decision I make then I could potentially discover that my choice was an egregious mistake. That terrified me.
After doing some deep reflection and cathartically disclosing my thoughts and concerns, I remembered that I cannot live in fear. If I want the unattainable then I will not attain it until that fear is eliminated. With determination and faith, I will reach my goals. I will be strong and courageous. I have also realized that whatever choice I make, I will not make an egregious mistake. I should just be thankful God has given me the possibility to have options in my life.
I shall not vacillate. Either I take that leap off the precipice or find a new path. Either way, each decision will present new obstacles I have to overcome. These obstacles will change who I am and my perspective on life, but it will not blind me from my aspirations. I will reach my goals. I will make a difference. I will attain the unattainable.